Before she was…

The draw to the hut was strong. My body ached with the need and desire to go there. 

‘I will come and stay for a month,’ I turned to him and said running my hand across a wooden log, the cabin was made from. I was there, but I was not, not fully, not like I needed or wanted to. 

‘I will stay with you. We can go fishing and berry picking.’ He wiped mosquito off his cheek. The stickiness of the summer evening on my skin felt strange and it smelt strongly of jasmine. That place was ripe with everything nature, just like in my childhood. I wanted to drink it in. 

In the cabin there were people. They looked happy going about their business. I remember being overcome by jealousy for their fortune of being able to stay there. It was like I was there, but I was not. From my dream I observed it all. I was just a visitor in that place, but in my blood, I knew it as my home from long ago. The ache of wanting to live there rose again. 

There were several rooms: a hall, a big lounge, and an attic. Each room had its purpose. A child joined me and began following me everywhere. It was a small boy but had a girl’s name and looks very pretty. I sat on a sofa and a young woman came and covered me with a blanket. A young man, who showed me around appeared to be in charge. The place felt pure, kind, yet it held secrets, codes, treasures to be discovered. I became very curious. 

‘Where can I find her,’ I asked him. 

He turned away fiddling with a piece of wood in his hand. 

‘I should not really tell you. May be just leave it. It has been a long time and you do not know what it will lead to.’ He looked at me with understanding and warmth. 

‘I do know what you are saying. I do. I just wondered if she was around.’

And then he said, ‘She is around, all around. She is right next door.’

‘Left, or right?’ I asked. 

He looked right but meant left. Somehow, I understood that. 

Once outside everything was lush green with rowans lining up the road on both sides. Late summer. Berries were beginning to redden. I took it all in. It smelt like rich soil and home. I was home. And then darkness. I plunged into it suddenly and it felt comforting. The thing about darkness, you might not be able to see anyone, but no one can see you either. I always found that comforting to know. I took my shoes off and walked out of the gate and looked where her house was. It was large and beautiful. Luxurious with big windows. I felt scared. Night summer air intoxicatingly alluring. I took another deep breath. 

‘I could not possible go in that house,’ I thought. So imposing and grand, not what I expected, and it was right there, next to the house I stayed in. 

Next, I walked back through the gate and stood on a bench lined up against the gate to peek into the windows next door. I knew I should not be doing it but could not help it. Curiosity took over. And then I saw cats, lots of back cats. They were the size of dogs. They roamed the boarder scowling. They began moving towards me as soon as they spotted me. I froze in terror. They snarled at me, and one sank her teeth into my leg. I felt sharp pain. They withdrew.

I ran into the house, but someone followed me in. I turned around and there she was. Young and beautiful, simply dressed. Her hair colour I recognised, as my own, when I was a child. Decorative small earrings, nothing out of the ordinary apart from her face. Intensely kind, shining from within she was. I felt her goodness, but also darkness all at the same time. She was both life and death. She took my hand in hers, which felt clammy and cool, but not unpleasant. I froze, fascinated, honoured, and humbled all at the same time. Then she told me her name… It was her, before she was her.

It was one of those significant dreams, which I have not had for some time. I am grateful to receive one last night. Dreams are products of our psyche. They are from us, about us and for us. Over my lifetime I learnt to recognise various categories of dreams. This one belongs to a ‘telling’ dream that contained several messages for me and reflected aspects of my own consciousness that should help me moving forward. It was fairy tale like with vivid landscapes, vibrant colours, and strong smells. I touched objects and people with intent and purpose that remains with me now on waking. I love sensory dreams like this one and it just had to be recorded. She was there, the young version of her, before she became her… 

Happy Yule, everyone!

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Foreboding – The future of wild places

Jonna Jinton – the hostess in my dream

I had a dream last night and it went like this.

I opened my eyes and met hers. She was looking at me with piercing blue like a frost-covered morning on a bright day. I smiled. She turned her face away, as if not wanting to be there.

I was aware of the best sleep I had in ages and also knew that I travelled a long distance to be here in this place, with her.

A white linen dress clang to her slender body and she moved as lightly as a ghost would sliding from one room to another. I followed her and came into a room full of people and noise. They seemed to have been preparing for some kind of expedition. She asked me to join them, which took me by surprise and I felt a sharp sensation deep within that screamed, “Why would I go anywhere else when there is all this, here, with her?” I looked out of the window. We were in some kind of cabin, which was spacious with many rooms and I felt the warmth of the fire coming from next door. “Where is everyone going?” I said to her, as she approached me by the window. “Paris,” she said lowering her head to the ground again. She was hiding something. She didn’t look displeased dealing with the visitors to what I knew was her house, but she felt detached, not all present. “No Paris, I said. Not for me”. Groups of people crowded outside waiting for transport. They seemed impatient to get out of the place, but why would they come in the first place, I wondered. She looked over in their direction with some relief, I thought. Her body displayed anxiety and I saw an emerging smile at the prospect of them leaving.

I began to cry sitting by the window looking outside on to a wintery wilderness. A frozen lake, deep, luscious snow and tree tops in crowns of white. My heart was exploding recognising the wild within. She looked bewildered at me as if not letting herself remember or believing my feelings.

“Why all these people? What happened to your homestead? I remember it being just you here.”

She looked at me with the saddest eyes, but averted it quickly not wanting to show emotion.

“We are showing people the last wilderness.”

I knew she didn’t want to, she was forced into it. I grabbed her hand trying to show her I understood and asked if we could go outside. She didn’t move away from me and said, “Later.”

When crowds dispersed I was glad of some silence and empty places I could go and check. The rooms in the house were furnished with simple furniture, but very old. Figurines and wooden carved animals were on shelves and by bedsides. Everything was basic. I remember hearing complaints earlier from the crowd of girls, “How are we supposed to cope with these facilities. There isn’t even a toilet and we have to sleep on the floor. Did you see what we had to eat?” Dissatisfied voices echoed in me and I realised that this is the future of the wilderness tourism; people coming to see the most remote, wild places, yet wanting to be away from it from the moment they arrived. The sadness in my hostess filled me up and I went to look for her. She was already outside clearing some snow and I could see the black earth underneath. I bent down and scooped some icy blackness bringing it to my nose to smell. She smiled slightly at me and carried on in her own now lost world, in a place no longer hers.

Daytime dreaming

Daytime dreaming is a space of clarity. Without realising I have been using it as a way of stopping thoughts and entering a place where answers could be heard. Different from nighttime dreaming. Shorter bursts of dropping into sleep is an important factor. One question – one answer. I needed that.

Detach, unhook, untie, put a distance between what pulls you, remain, hold on to a silent part of you, quietude, muted state or not engagement. In that there is freedom, rest, peace.

My own reflection looked back at me from an old photograph and I recognised the exact one it was. I felt its texture, I knew it’s colours. Myself, as of observing from outside of my body. It was in the eyes that I held the gaze, just held it. Nothing else was needed. Pause, resist the pull, take that breath but don’t give it away, keep it for your own body, relish it like food that you need. Silence is everything, it is where sacred and simple both reside. All that’s needed is your body, the rest is known if only you resist reaction audible, if only your words are not released.

Daytime rest feels needed to receive short bursts of insight. Profound as its nighttime companion yet more precise.

Try it for yourself and apply to what’s needed for you right now, today. It does relate to the collective need but you take care of you own manifesting, the only way to make a difference. This detachment will cleanse the vibration for your physical, emotional and spirit-you, which in turn will make forward flying easier. Relish the quietude in every way.

Freedom dream

Rushing around what looked like an intuition of some kind with a lot of people, classrooms and so many various textbooks, papers and materials everywhere I had a feeling I didn’t belong. I tried to join this group and that group and get involved with this class and that desperately trying to catch up. Catch up with what? I stopped and looked around and felt panic enveloping my body and mind. I must go on, I kept saying to myself, or I will be left behind. There was a studious atmosphere everywhere I turned with people of all ages and abilities. Where do I fit? I carried on for a long time getting stuck in with various tasks and sitting down with books, plans and schedules until I stopped. I really stopped when realising I didn’t have to do any of it. I have had an education and already held several degrees and been established for many years. What was it I was chasing? It wasn’t me, it was the voice inside repeating you have to do what others do, you have to join in with the crowd. The truth was I didn’t have to do any of it.

The feeling of immense freedom came into me and I felt relaxed and peaceful as I walked away from the institution representing society, conditioning and the rat race. Ahhh what a feeling to know at any given moment we can stop and say ‘I don’t actually have to, I am free as I am any time anywhere and there are choices all around me. A path of space and freedom opened up and I walked towards a beautiful sunrise.

Grateful, humble, simple and free. There has never been a better feeling to experience.

Photo credit: moow.life Ukraine path to freedom (Google images). Thank you!

Authenticity dream

Every year’s signature contains an authenticity message at the heart of it. I believe it is the future and has always been something true evolution is made of. The energy of it will only increase with each year and that is the beauty in welcoming a new year where such opportunity exists.

The dream is about authenticity, true beauty, light and dark.

“I was given some stunning liquid of silver and gold that was meant to be put on a face like make-up. It felt luxurious on the skin and looked beautiful. I put it on all over my face and walked into a room with a long table where there were people sitting either side.

One side of the table loved it and admired my beauty. The other side didn’t like it and preferred me without it.

There was a dilemma for myself. What did I like? What did I want to do? ‘The mask’ continued to feel wonderful on my face and looked truly stunning. It gave me a certain advantage and edge, one might say.

In the next scene I am heading towards showers to wash my hair and there is a man, who says ‘if I wash my face off I will no longer be the most beautiful woman in the whole world and will become the second in line after some other woman that will jump to the front. The man smirked and had an expression of warning about it as if to say ‘really think about what you want to do, think twice…’.

There was another man in the room, who had light hair and appeared very quiet, calm with a soft face, the opposite to the first man. Looking at him I knew instantly he didn’t care for my ‘mask’ much or the way I looked at all. He saw through me, deeper.

I decided to get rid of my face make-up and leave my hair unwashed and instantly felt lighter and more grounded.

I took a hand of the blonde man and we walked outside to the light. He appeared to have something lodged in the inner corner of his left eye. A thin stick, a string of some sort. I said to him that I will attempt to pull it out, but it might hurt. This felt like something to do with the way he was seeing things and, perhaps, the object lodged obscured his true vision. I starts pulling the string out, it was very long. The man didn’t flinch or changed in any way, he just smiled gently at me.

We embraced and fell on the ground when I realised I had a pure white coat on and was lying in mud. For a second I was concerned but quickly relaxed and no longer cared in his arms whether my coat would get ruined. His support and acceptance was all I needed.”

One of the best dreams I have ever had