Before she was…

The draw to the hut was strong. My body ached with the need and desire to go there. 

‘I will come and stay for a month,’ I turned to him and said running my hand across a wooden log, the cabin was made from. I was there, but I was not, not fully, not like I needed or wanted to. 

‘I will stay with you. We can go fishing and berry picking.’ He wiped mosquito off his cheek. The stickiness of the summer evening on my skin felt strange and it smelt strongly of jasmine. That place was ripe with everything nature, just like in my childhood. I wanted to drink it in. 

In the cabin there were people. They looked happy going about their business. I remember being overcome by jealousy for their fortune of being able to stay there. It was like I was there, but I was not. From my dream I observed it all. I was just a visitor in that place, but in my blood, I knew it as my home from long ago. The ache of wanting to live there rose again. 

There were several rooms: a hall, a big lounge, and an attic. Each room had its purpose. A child joined me and began following me everywhere. It was a small boy but had a girl’s name and looks very pretty. I sat on a sofa and a young woman came and covered me with a blanket. A young man, who showed me around appeared to be in charge. The place felt pure, kind, yet it held secrets, codes, treasures to be discovered. I became very curious. 

‘Where can I find her,’ I asked him. 

He turned away fiddling with a piece of wood in his hand. 

‘I should not really tell you. May be just leave it. It has been a long time and you do not know what it will lead to.’ He looked at me with understanding and warmth. 

‘I do know what you are saying. I do. I just wondered if she was around.’

And then he said, ‘She is around, all around. She is right next door.’

‘Left, or right?’ I asked. 

He looked right but meant left. Somehow, I understood that. 

Once outside everything was lush green with rowans lining up the road on both sides. Late summer. Berries were beginning to redden. I took it all in. It smelt like rich soil and home. I was home. And then darkness. I plunged into it suddenly and it felt comforting. The thing about darkness, you might not be able to see anyone, but no one can see you either. I always found that comforting to know. I took my shoes off and walked out of the gate and looked where her house was. It was large and beautiful. Luxurious with big windows. I felt scared. Night summer air intoxicatingly alluring. I took another deep breath. 

‘I could not possible go in that house,’ I thought. So imposing and grand, not what I expected, and it was right there, next to the house I stayed in. 

Next, I walked back through the gate and stood on a bench lined up against the gate to peek into the windows next door. I knew I should not be doing it but could not help it. Curiosity took over. And then I saw cats, lots of back cats. They were the size of dogs. They roamed the boarder scowling. They began moving towards me as soon as they spotted me. I froze in terror. They snarled at me, and one sank her teeth into my leg. I felt sharp pain. They withdrew.

I ran into the house, but someone followed me in. I turned around and there she was. Young and beautiful, simply dressed. Her hair colour I recognised, as my own, when I was a child. Decorative small earrings, nothing out of the ordinary apart from her face. Intensely kind, shining from within she was. I felt her goodness, but also darkness all at the same time. She was both life and death. She took my hand in hers, which felt clammy and cool, but not unpleasant. I froze, fascinated, honoured, and humbled all at the same time. Then she told me her name… It was her, before she was her.

It was one of those significant dreams, which I have not had for some time. I am grateful to receive one last night. Dreams are products of our psyche. They are from us, about us and for us. Over my lifetime I learnt to recognise various categories of dreams. This one belongs to a ‘telling’ dream that contained several messages for me and reflected aspects of my own consciousness that should help me moving forward. It was fairy tale like with vivid landscapes, vibrant colours, and strong smells. I touched objects and people with intent and purpose that remains with me now on waking. I love sensory dreams like this one and it just had to be recorded. She was there, the young version of her, before she became her… 

Happy Yule, everyone!

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What’s behind Beltane story?

What if the Maiden May Queen didn’t want to join the Green Man, get pregnant and give birth? What then? What if the story of Beltane was a different story? Would the earth not continue thriving in its cycles? Does it always require a union? These questions seem important to ask and I was thrown a different image this year of what it might mean in the overall presentation of life, this earthly dimension specifically. It feels important to bring this download into awareness of whoever is going to stumble upon this. Perhaps, you feel the same? Perhaps this Beltane is meant to be radically different? What would it look like in your magical world?

Tradition lies deep within our stories that had been told for millions of years over and over and I hear it sneaking into the earth story too. It is almost like I didn’t see it before, but right now it asks of me to go through its narrative and ask the important questions. Can nature exist and have its magic sovereignty without mixing in the union of the Maiden and the Green man? We all know what happens after, the power of the Sun takes over and one king replaces another, while the Queen is heavily pregnant. Beltane has always been triggering time for me over the years although I have come to a place of peace with the timing and historical manifestation of events, but I wonder what if a different story was attached to this time of year. Did it attach to May for a reason only to let me see later on what really happened collectively through the generations, not just my own, but globally.

There is still an exchange of power, one submitting to another (however willingly and mutual it is portrayed) and one giving birth while the other rules over the planets and the earth while the Maiden/Mother is in its most blooming state. Who has really got the most power here if you look at manifestations of nature?

I hear the critical parent/the punisher/the demon/the judge and the finger-pointer for sin, for heresy and how dare I even consider re-writing the story as old as time itself. This does include all religions whatever orientations. It is exactly the point to bring it out into the light. It can no longer stay where it’s been for so long. We all have to give ourselves permission to ask questions, to find what feels good to us and meet our needs in the cycle of life. Following something without a question is a loss of sovereignty that cuts down the roots of our inner wisdom and knowing.

I first received an inkling of this message in early April this year about this forthcoming Beltane and how there is another way of looking at it or rather why haven’t we until now? The sleep that we have been in and will continue to be in is deep. The joining of the Goddess and the God in a dance of fertility is wonderful and all good, but what if she didn’t want to join him or he didn’t want to join her come to that? The question of complete recognition and acknowledgement of their own sovereignty is paramount here. May be that aspect is laced with assumption from another story that underlines all other stories. She submits and he rules? Sounds quite superficial and made-up now that I say it out loud. Do you hear it? Perhaps, this act of joining needs to be redefined. What are their motivations, perhaps, they share the power, the process of growth, giving and receiving? Perhaps, they caretake the earth together? What I feel the strongest during this time, I suppose, is a possibility of polarization of these masculine and feminine energies and it is not surprising having looked at the history of the union and how it is looked upon by the story of this society. What we need to have in place is a self-reliance and allow ourselves to hear, see and speak a different story should we need to. It is ok not to agree and take charge of your own storytelling. I can’t deny I do feel sad having seen a different picture and heard a different story and realising stories are there often to create an illusion, not just to transmit wisdom. Not all the time clearly. Just think of what collective calls ‘the greatest story ever told’. Do you feel it now? It is during Beltane that any wounding around relationships would come up, but it is also time when we have the best chance to come to terms with what ailed us for so long and redefine a new path into the rest of the year.

Nature will continue with its cycles, which are a constant reminder of transitions and change and we must find comfort in that knowledge that there is always an opportunity to move on, to retell a different story and join the forces or not, whatever feels good to us. That IS ok.

Image: https://www.learnreligions.com/the-legend-of-the-may-queen-2561660

To Love, Friendship and Unity

After two hours of working the plot and communing with the soil I felt compelled to relay the energies of today. It is all very new, fresh and to many it will be unknown, but do go with it, embrace it and lessons will be great.

Beltain 2019 is upon us and today is a portal day, which feels like a new opening, a true shift, a push into a slot previously unoccupied. I could feel it at the back of my head and my fingers this morning and it felt good. It was not explosive or buzzing with noise, but subtle and strong like a regular heart beat one might say. The words that I heard were ‘Love, Friendship and Unity in all things’. The spiritual today does seek peace and surrender to a place softer and brighter. It wants connection and true relating for everything and everyone. Even amidst the world’s darkness, fears and wounds today it felt like there is still an invitation to step into your own ‘new’, take a path you haven’t travelled before. The message also was that whatever one chooses to do it doesn’t even have to be big, small steps remaining curious all the way.

Beltain is traditionally a Fire festival of the two joining together and energies rising to bless a forthcoming bounty of the earth and pray for its gifts yet to come. It is the night of dancing, laughter and dropping inhibitions, things that no longer lit our spark and had gone dull. I felt the element of today, however, was Air. Interesting how things shift without having to explain themselves, something we can all take away as a lesson. Hence my altar naturally did not have any candles on this morning or flowers and only incense representing ‘airing things out’ of a space, life, consciousness, etc. It always makes sense to me. However, what I feel will happen later on this week the effect of this year’s Beltain will grow stronger and that is where Fire element will come in, more towards the weekend. I do plan a Fire celebration with friends and family to show love and embrace good, genuine friendships and allow myself be united with everything that this earthly realm can offer. Most of all unity within is an important aspect. Why do we often fight ourselves, hate on ourselves, blame and criticise ourselves – that has to go, as those are obvious blockers to what is possible. Meet your needs, apply self-compassion daily, rest your mind and soul and nourish your body.

Hope everyone has a beautiful Beltain full of renewal energy.

Many blessings!

From Maiden to Mother – summer soul work

I am feeling inspired today having gone through a challenging time in the last few weeks. Energies have been slowly building up to the peak point that is Summer Solstice and this year it was the hottest day. I am not good with heat.

What transpired in everything that surrounded me lately is the replay of my struggles on a journey of motherhood, a reminder of that difficult time of birthing and coming into the role of mother. What got activated this year not for the first time and became so profoundly present was my passage from Maiden to mother and I believe this year is that time not just to begin this process, but possibly to complete it. I felt during spring I have come into a space of acceptance. It was a physical experience of knowing that I had passed that threshold from maidenhood into mother consciously for the first time in ten years. My physical mother’s energy assisted me well in those times and deepened our connection.

HERE is a post I wrote back in March about that experience.

On my altar this morning I placed Maiden and Mother with favourite flowers of my physical mother. As always this was spontaneous and inspired by energies running through my body. I woke up early today feeling alive again as the heat dropped and the sun is not shining. I can breathe again and think and be in the space I am comfortable in. Comfort comes up a lot in a way that I am with others, myself, my son, and my husband. This feels crucial to cultivate that space for exploring this transition into comfort place of the Mother for me.

Ten years on and only now this year I feel the soil is finally fertile for me to birth my inner mother fully into being, accept her within and express her externally. This doesn’t just relate to the physicality of being a mother to my son although my relationship to that has been transforming steadily over the last few years and there is less and less battling with the external against what I feel within. It is activated now and again still and I do believe that echoes of struggles will always remain on some level. Experience for me had been traumatic and violently raw in many ways and traces of that trauma is bound to come in, but I have awareness of that and actively seeking to move into a healing space where my painful memories can be held in acceptance and contained in self-love.

This journey is also about the changes in me internally, my body, my face, my hair, skin and voice. What I look like now is nothing what I did before I became a mother and when in my maidenhood. There is however this freeing lack of yearning, desire and need to conform and hold on to that youth conditioning, which carries such a desperate self-abandoning and punishing signature. Looking back at my young self, that maiden was sick mentally, emotionally and physically. Her soul was stunted into non-being, non-acceptance and zero self-expression due to fear, anxiety, extreme criticism of herself and multiple traumas buried deep within. She existed in the name of validation and approval based on physical beauty. Many of us, former maidens had been there.

Now I am feeling liberated in the state of what it means to be a woman and a mother from inside out. Shining the light of soul, acknowledging all and every single qualities within and using that in the world regardless with complete acceptance. I feel summer will help me do this, summer is here to strip me off all remaining clothing that no longer fits me and doesn’t represent me as I am in my Mother/Woman way of being. Summer is the Full moon of the year, the fully pregnant time when all is ripe and beautiful ready to birth the new and transformed.

Flower deities

It’s all about flowers this week. Their delicate and fragrant pink blanket made me feel alive with what I can only describe as dreamy energy, as if a fairytale setting opened up in front of me and pulled me in.

After a long Pembrokeshire coastal hike I dreamt that I encountered what I now believe were nature spirits or Gods of nature, deities in flower form. I dreamt of all sorts of flowers, vibrant colours of pink, purple and deep blue scrolled in front of me like a kaleidoscope. The whole thing felt intoxicating and bursting out with bright colours. I believe I found new gods to include in my practice – flowers of spring! Something within me resonated with its energy and I experienced its delicious dance within my psyche through my dreams.

The following morning on the island of Skomer flower beings again took my breath away and like a child I could not contain my joy at being surrounded by pink paradise as far as the eye can see.
They are so alive and buzzing with energy quite playful, doll like, a kingdom of colour where the smell spreads around like freshly made candy. Something playful about it as they nod and giggle in the meadow. I never experienced flowers in this way before.

Pink and purple are my colours in nature, so delicate and just the right shade to make me smile and frolick and want to play and on another just stop and stare again with a smile. They give me joy and I often like to kneel in front of them and almost bow as they hang their heads in what feels like a friendly acknowledgment.

These flowers in spring connect me to a vulnerable side, a quality I highly value. They are fragile yet bravely come out every year for the world to see even if it might mean quite a few of them get squashed by careless walkers and some picked by mindless hands. I am sensitive to flowers being picked in the wild. There is just no need. They are on a beautiful display for us all to see already why take it from its rooting space, a space they are most happy and belong.

This new discovery of much deeper connection to flowers that I was unaware of previously made me want to research flower gods, nature deities associated with flowers and roles they play in each season.