Before she was…

The draw to the hut was strong. My body ached with the need and desire to go there. 

‘I will come and stay for a month,’ I turned to him and said running my hand across a wooden log, the cabin was made from. I was there, but I was not, not fully, not like I needed or wanted to. 

‘I will stay with you. We can go fishing and berry picking.’ He wiped mosquito off his cheek. The stickiness of the summer evening on my skin felt strange and it smelt strongly of jasmine. That place was ripe with everything nature, just like in my childhood. I wanted to drink it in. 

In the cabin there were people. They looked happy going about their business. I remember being overcome by jealousy for their fortune of being able to stay there. It was like I was there, but I was not. From my dream I observed it all. I was just a visitor in that place, but in my blood, I knew it as my home from long ago. The ache of wanting to live there rose again. 

There were several rooms: a hall, a big lounge, and an attic. Each room had its purpose. A child joined me and began following me everywhere. It was a small boy but had a girl’s name and looks very pretty. I sat on a sofa and a young woman came and covered me with a blanket. A young man, who showed me around appeared to be in charge. The place felt pure, kind, yet it held secrets, codes, treasures to be discovered. I became very curious. 

‘Where can I find her,’ I asked him. 

He turned away fiddling with a piece of wood in his hand. 

‘I should not really tell you. May be just leave it. It has been a long time and you do not know what it will lead to.’ He looked at me with understanding and warmth. 

‘I do know what you are saying. I do. I just wondered if she was around.’

And then he said, ‘She is around, all around. She is right next door.’

‘Left, or right?’ I asked. 

He looked right but meant left. Somehow, I understood that. 

Once outside everything was lush green with rowans lining up the road on both sides. Late summer. Berries were beginning to redden. I took it all in. It smelt like rich soil and home. I was home. And then darkness. I plunged into it suddenly and it felt comforting. The thing about darkness, you might not be able to see anyone, but no one can see you either. I always found that comforting to know. I took my shoes off and walked out of the gate and looked where her house was. It was large and beautiful. Luxurious with big windows. I felt scared. Night summer air intoxicatingly alluring. I took another deep breath. 

‘I could not possible go in that house,’ I thought. So imposing and grand, not what I expected, and it was right there, next to the house I stayed in. 

Next, I walked back through the gate and stood on a bench lined up against the gate to peek into the windows next door. I knew I should not be doing it but could not help it. Curiosity took over. And then I saw cats, lots of back cats. They were the size of dogs. They roamed the boarder scowling. They began moving towards me as soon as they spotted me. I froze in terror. They snarled at me, and one sank her teeth into my leg. I felt sharp pain. They withdrew.

I ran into the house, but someone followed me in. I turned around and there she was. Young and beautiful, simply dressed. Her hair colour I recognised, as my own, when I was a child. Decorative small earrings, nothing out of the ordinary apart from her face. Intensely kind, shining from within she was. I felt her goodness, but also darkness all at the same time. She was both life and death. She took my hand in hers, which felt clammy and cool, but not unpleasant. I froze, fascinated, honoured, and humbled all at the same time. Then she told me her name… It was her, before she was her.

It was one of those significant dreams, which I have not had for some time. I am grateful to receive one last night. Dreams are products of our psyche. They are from us, about us and for us. Over my lifetime I learnt to recognise various categories of dreams. This one belongs to a ‘telling’ dream that contained several messages for me and reflected aspects of my own consciousness that should help me moving forward. It was fairy tale like with vivid landscapes, vibrant colours, and strong smells. I touched objects and people with intent and purpose that remains with me now on waking. I love sensory dreams like this one and it just had to be recorded. She was there, the young version of her, before she became her… 

Happy Yule, everyone!

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Book review

https://www.patheos.com/blogs/agora/2022/03/phoenix-rising-baba-yaga-slavic-earth-goddess-book-review/

Do not yearn for summer

Do not yearn for eternal summer

For it will burn your heart empty

When seeking to maintain its peak.

Much stronger is the fire internal

witnessed during the darker days.

As the Earth cycles

So are we.

Nothing stops and nothing stays the same

The rise and fall of life is necessary

For the variety is a tool of awareness.

Decay is transformation just as blooming is.

Without rest in death

There’s no seedling or reaching for the open.

There’s no lessons learnt in expectation of what might be.

There’s no mystery if dwelling in one place and same.

We must go places uncomfortable, dark, cold.

Do not yearn for eternal summer,

As winter is full of shine just as much.

A different kind, mute and murky

Dark but rich

Quiet yet wise.

Immerse in the darkness of each year with surrender

For the only way forward is through.

Pagan Portals Intuitive Magic Practice review

Intuitive Magic Practice, part of the Pagan Portals series, by Natalia Clarke makes me want to breathe a long, deep sigh of relief. Things have been a bit hectic in my world recently, and I’ve felt the disconnection that stems from being out of touch with my inner voice. Reading this book has shifted me back into my more natural, receptive state of being in the most delightful way.

Clarke has combined her experience as a transpersonal psychotherapist with wisdom as a spiritual guide to offer readers insight on how to create an intuitive magic practice. Throughout the book, her gentle, calming tone invites a sense of fluidity, harmony, and personal energetic resonance to emerge.

In no way is this book one in which the author holds the knowledge, prompting a hierarchy between author and reader. Rather, Clarke develops a relationship with the reader that’s guided by feelings of goodwill and trust. Much of the imparted content to the reader stems from her own personal experience, and she writes this book as though she might be telling a friend about her experiences with magic and developing intuition in her own life. I enjoyed her anecdotes and the lens it provided me into seeing how she developed her own spiritual perspective.

I really liked reading about the importance of nature in Clarke’s spirituality and connection to her intuition. There is so much beauty in the natural world, along with lessons of tending, growing, and slowing down to enjoy the moment. Since her writing does not stem from any one belief system or practice, I noticed how nature seemed to be the greatest influence that gave shape to Clarke’s experiences.

However, there’s so much that Intuitive Magic Practice covers. Each chapter highlights a method of connecting to one’s intuition and offers ways to become receptive to the guidance of one’s inner knowing. Receptivity is key here, as Clarke’s writing calls the reader to settle in, move at their own pace, and gently open to the promptings that want to be acknowledged.

Some topics covered in the book are dreamwork, journaling, breathing exercises, creating sacred space, creative imagination, moon cycles, and more. Clarke also shares spells, information on candle magic, and guidance on how to select ritual tools. Through it all, she emphasizes that there is no one size fits all model for one’s magical practice; there is also no need to force something when the energy is not there.

“This way there is a natural flow, no force, no attachment to an outcome, no artificial influences of any kind and it always works. One might say I flow with intuitive energy if and when it comes in. If I am not called or specific energies are not present, I do not do anything.”1

Clarke also includes information on the Triple Goddess aspects, working with the elements, and tips for intuitively crafting one’s own magical practice such as writing spells, casting a circle, and creating rituals. Again though, this all arises from a place of moving with the flow, rather than planning, specifying, and dictating how the process should look. She even contrasts intuitive magic to ritual magic to help readers get a better sense of this method in relation to others.

My favourite chapter of Intuitive Magical Practice was “Intuition, Divine Feminine and Sacred Self-care.” While this book has valuable information for all readers, Clarke does note in the introduction it is more geared towards a female audience. All I can say is this chapter was all I needed to be reminded of and more right now.

As I move through a phase of transition, stemming from immense burn-out in my last job that lead me to severely disconnect from my own internal guidance, I desperately needed the reminder that listening to my intuition, caring for my body, and moving in alignment with the energy is a practice of sacred self-care.

“What do I mean by sacred self care? This links in with self-awareness, which can grow through listening to yourself with complete trust and seeing powerful results in your way of being with yourself and the world. It means giving yourself what your inner voice asks of you or points you towards; giving yourself what you need in the moment by listening to your intuition; treating yourself with compassion, love and respect, as you would any divine energy.”2

It’s interesting too how Clarke reminded me of the importance of moving according to where the energy is and how things are flowing. To be honest, this book has been sitting on my shelf for about two weeks now, and I had procrastinated delving into my new book. I tried to read it a week ago, but after a few pages it was sidetracked. Then, suddenly, this morning, all my energy was focused on reading this book and sinking in to receive it’s message. I am so glad that I trusted the timing of my feelings and didn’t read it in a mindset that wasn’t ready to embrace all the wisdom in this book.

For the past few months, I’ve forgotten that it’s okay to live according to your intuition and trust the timing of when things unfold, but reading Clarke’s words reassured me that it’s okay to move in rhythm that feels right for you. It was particularly inspiring to read how she doesn’t do spell-work unless she feels called. Living a magical lifestyle doesn’t have to be doing spells with each moon cycle, or constantly keeping up with a specific practice “just because you’re supposed to.” It can be just as powerful when your practice is fluid and guided by intuition. This is such a deeply refreshing approach to magic.

I’ll admit I moved quite quickly through the book, soaking it all in as I sat outside in the sunshine, feeling the fresh air gently flow around me. However, this is also a book that can be savoured and referred back to over time. While I did finish it quickly, I now am ready to go back through it and practice some of the exercises, which Clarke offers plenty of through the book.

There is one method of connecting to intuition Clarke writes about that I had never heard of before, which I am particularly excited to try out: intuitive drawing. This approach can help to facilitate a dialogue with the subconscious and allow feelings, sensations, and thoughts to arise from deep within. Sometimes I feel like I get trapped in my words, and I am eager to see what comes out when I choose drawing as a form of communication with my inner guidance.

All in all, Clarke’s gentle and uplifting approach to an intuitive magic practice is something of great value to those who are seeking a more natural approach to working with energy. I highly recommend Intuitive Magic Practice to those who are seeking to tune back into their inner voice in a way that feels authentic and true to who they are. This book is a wonderful reminder that there is no right or wrong way, and that healing comes from remembering the sacred connection to our inner guidance. As you read Clarke’s wisdom, I’m sure you’ll feel right at home within yourself, comforted by the words that it’s okay to embrace your intuition and let your energy flow in a way that feels harmonious.

Alanna at https://musingmystical.com/intuitive-magic-practice-by-natalia-clarke/

2020’s priceless gift to me

This past year has brought the biggest insight of my whole life and from their it felt like my life finally began. It has been a missing piece for so long and I will be forever grateful for the freedom that insight brought me.
I finally became aware that My biggest need is not to meet the needs of others. That is the truest, most profound realisation that myself had to hear. Everything that hasn’t worked hinged on me being unaware and not seeing this one truth for me.
This understanding of my greatest need and the cause of so much pain and sorrow in my life brought an end to my work as a therapist. The relief was like no other I had ever experienced, which was a confirmation of claiming my personal freedom back. Manifestations that followed only amplified the important of the piece of my unconscious self needing to die and I let it go gladly and openly with compassion and care for myself and gratitude for all the hours I spent helping others all my life.

They say a wounded healer is the best healer and that is true and unsurprising. As those of us, who feel deeply into everything, dwelling in our pain and of others, especially others, comes naturally, as natural as not knowing any other way of being, as natural as breathing. But is it good for us? No. Our freedom literally is always out of reach for as long as we put others ahead of ourselves always with no conditions and with an open willingness to sacrifice, to be there no matter what. In doing so we condemn ourselves to more pain, to more suffering and never ending cycles of going backwards looking for more pain, the more the better. It crates an environment and a hunger to seek the depths of despair and almost revel in it. They call it pain addiction.

I knew there was something else, something different that screamed to be born and that was allowing for things to end and let myself live. I literary had to save myself and to do that this anomaly, this other way had to come in. The death of it came naturally in 2020 in many ways with closure of many avenues due to pandemic, due to getting ill and not functioning it was a soothing voice of the universe telling me it was time. In death I was reborn and the wings that I long lost grew back again.

They say with each ending there’s a beginning and that has been true for me over and over. We have to be brave enough to include our own needs into equation and meet them. It takes a lifetime often, but it is what’s meant to happen at the end when we start the journey of paving the road back to self, back to life of not suffering and pain, but choosing joy, peace and a simple yet the most profound pleasure of being alive.

It’s been a year of insights and transformations for so many and it gives me such hope. May this evolution continue with each coming year and with more momentum and intensity till we can all say that we vow to live our best lives and create haven on earth whatever it might mean for each of us.