Approaching the Hag

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What of her in these times of destruction and division? She is angry and she is hungry. Furious at humanity and hungry for punishment and resolution. 

The forest is on fire and the walls around her dwelling, which is now a fortress, are higher than they’ve ever been before. 

The horsemen are dressed in black. Their armour heavy in readiness for destruction of its own kind – complete elimination of nature and all that is human. They are ready to carry out her will. 

She’s furious and in mourning for humanity that is no longer… yet there’s an opening, a small one, a loose panel in her fortress wall for those, who are still aware of their soul; that element that remains unaffected, pure and unchanged. Hope it is not, but a connection to what they are from the root. She thinks of those, who have some memory of where to go to become whole again. However faint the memory is by now, it is still there and she smells it. 

I feel small and insignificant in the face of all reality and such is my preference during these years. Resignation and tiredness are part of my day-to-day and only participation in watching it all burn remains. Hopeless anguish. Despite it all I wait for the time to rise again when the voice can be heard from the depth of the forest summoning the brave and crooked; open anew to learning; in eternal love for what remains of nature external and within. Even if only one tiny flower can be saved, it will be worth doing. If only one soul can be awakened, it will be worth the work and hardship. As one wise human said: ‘For as long as there is birdsong, we must listen.’ 

And for now, we scream, we rage and we sob until the sky above is cloudless once again and there’s renewed stillness in the heart.


2020’s priceless gift to me

This past year has brought the biggest insight of my whole life and from their it felt like my life finally began. It has been a missing piece for so long and I will be forever grateful for the freedom that insight brought me.
I finally became aware that My biggest need is not to meet the needs of others. That is the truest, most profound realisation that myself had to hear. Everything that hasn’t worked hinged on me being unaware and not seeing this one truth for me.
This understanding of my greatest need and the cause of so much pain and sorrow in my life brought an end to my work as a therapist. The relief was like no other I had ever experienced, which was a confirmation of claiming my personal freedom back. Manifestations that followed only amplified the important of the piece of my unconscious self needing to die and I let it go gladly and openly with compassion and care for myself and gratitude for all the hours I spent helping others all my life.

They say a wounded healer is the best healer and that is true and unsurprising. As those of us, who feel deeply into everything, dwelling in our pain and of others, especially others, comes naturally, as natural as not knowing any other way of being, as natural as breathing. But is it good for us? No. Our freedom literally is always out of reach for as long as we put others ahead of ourselves always with no conditions and with an open willingness to sacrifice, to be there no matter what. In doing so we condemn ourselves to more pain, to more suffering and never ending cycles of going backwards looking for more pain, the more the better. It crates an environment and a hunger to seek the depths of despair and almost revel in it. They call it pain addiction.

I knew there was something else, something different that screamed to be born and that was allowing for things to end and let myself live. I literary had to save myself and to do that this anomaly, this other way had to come in. The death of it came naturally in 2020 in many ways with closure of many avenues due to pandemic, due to getting ill and not functioning it was a soothing voice of the universe telling me it was time. In death I was reborn and the wings that I long lost grew back again.

They say with each ending there’s a beginning and that has been true for me over and over. We have to be brave enough to include our own needs into equation and meet them. It takes a lifetime often, but it is what’s meant to happen at the end when we start the journey of paving the road back to self, back to life of not suffering and pain, but choosing joy, peace and a simple yet the most profound pleasure of being alive.

It’s been a year of insights and transformations for so many and it gives me such hope. May this evolution continue with each coming year and with more momentum and intensity till we can all say that we vow to live our best lives and create haven on earth whatever it might mean for each of us.

Run away or stay

The urge to run away is natural on one hand and on the other is contradictory to our innate capacity for compassion and staying with pain. There are millions of examples of open-hearted compassion and humility from humans in times of extreme crisis throughout centuries, yet parts of us want to run away and not feel. It is always way easier to hide, stay in the vibration of fear and non-connecting than open up to all horror and sorrow of the world and connect to as much and as many aspects of us as humans. It is understandable and sometimes we do need to withdraw just to catch our breath. Sometimes things make us freeze following trauma. The most difficult thing to do seems to be our connection to ourselves. We no longer in touch with who we are and what we are doing here. Often we become ‘robot-like’ and desensitised to all that surrounds us. It is a way of avoiding the harsh and painful, the unthinkable. It is a coping way, when life becomes disabled. At that point hope is lost, defeat prevails and we continue as we were on the road to nowhere, not feeling our own bodies. Again it seems something that happens naturally these days yet what about our natural ability to feel again, what happened to parts of ourselves that feel through life and live through all experiences that life offers, dark and light. We have potential for all things.

Tragedy carries a vibration of shattered hopes, dreams, connections and explosion of an array of uncontrollable feelings that seem impossible to contain. Connection with others will help that, safe and accepting holding will do the job, unity in sorrow will provide a refuge from the attack of extreme emotions. Tragedy can also propel us all into action, into feelings and into becoming more ‘us’. It can potentially get us in touch with life, with our own beating heart. It is an opportunity to be you! Please take it. Please choose compassion for the world and yourself as a part of the complicated system of connections and human life.

Blessings to the world! loss

Intergenerational Imprints

Inter-generational imprints and their effect on one’s life is not to be underestimated. It is necessary to apply our conscious awareness to a possibility that a lot of what we carry within our souls and bodies do not actually belong to us. Things can stick to us like glue and penetrate us easily especially if we are very open and have a sensitive nature. Most of the time we don’t notice it and a lot of material had already been passed on to us with our mother’s fluid and during our cell formation while still in the womb.

When we come in to the world we are considered brand new and pure and, of course, we are, as we are part of Spirit, which is all and everything, and we come into this dimension with those qualities intact. However, on the way down to this dimension there is a process that also occurs, which puts us through exposure to some materials, which need to be processed again on Earth and we become carriers, if you like, of all unprocessed and not so ‘pure’. We get injected with that what is yet to become conscious and it can be anything from abuse to war, hunger to pain, violence to mental health problems. It can be positive as well as negative. This is what I would refer to as material, which doesn’t belong to us as such, we simply sign up without knowing to carry the energy that got either stuck or polluted in previous incarnations and it somewhat becomes our ‘burden’ in this lifetime. It is designed to affect and add to our experience, which often can create a certain fate for a human if that human lives an unconscious life surrendering to what is presented to them through their family and environment.

For example, I have recently come to realise my over identification with pain and suffering, which had actually happened or sneaked up on me, if you like, due to my family environment and my parents’ scripts on life, as well as, me introjecting inter-generational beliefs through blood line and wider collective cultural consciousness. I have never been exposed to any religious teachings growing up, e.g., yet I realised how strongly I was always opposed to that energy. It is energy I am talking about, which can be the first port of call when getting in touch with this. Religion of old times I refer to is a very dark and painful place based on fear, punishment and self-sacrifice and the message at the top of it all is ‘the more you suffer, the closer to God you are’. I carried that energy for a long time and it has affected my relationship to painful experiences and led to glorification of suffering.

What is crucial aside from keeping in touch with consciousness when living a life is our connection to that innocent being that is uniquely you. That initial self that came in pure and light. It is vital to continue to keep hold of those initial qualities that you came in with, the part unaffected by previous lives and intergenerational imprints through self-awareness and conscious therapeutic work.

Transpersonal psychotherapy can help unveil unique soul qualities within a person and get them back in touch with their own power. Along with that, if worked in an integrative way, a person is able to sort through what is theirs innately and what was either imprinted on them as a ‘past unprocessed baggage’ or created through their family, social, political and environmental factors.

Self-work can also reveal experiences through generations, which made an impact on your life here today. Intuition, self-awareness, body care, regular meditation and creating and maintaining spiritual practice can most certainly help with getting in touch with and sorting through material, which might not belong to you, but became part of you through that imprinting process. If you practice tuning into yourself on a regular basis and noticing occasions when you feel ‘not like yourself’, able to interpret the energy around and within you and observing triggers that seem extreme or out of the ordinary somewhat, it might be a good idea to dedicate some sort of practice to sorting through some stuff especially when you become aware it is affecting your life in ways non-beneficial. This practice is also useful in times of ‘stuckness’ when you feel there is no movement and something is blocking your development. You experience less ‘breathing air’ and more restrictions in energetic sense accompanied by development of ailments in the body, particularly to do with respiratory tract, joints and muscles.

What would this practice look like in nature? This is something I practice. Nature can help loosen you up and open up a portal, a space to walk through to the other side. Trust is very much a factor here, as well as, following your intuition. Nature is so much attuned to your highest good, as it is Spirit itself, that if you experience nature on that level of unconditional love and joy and deep knowing, following signs and signals offered to you by natural environment when doing this work is not going to lead you where you are not meant to go. This process can be subtle or profound depending on context and issues you are allowing nature and the universe assist you with. In my experience it takes time to really begin to hear and feel what is being communicated, as often that voice can be coming from a single leaf or a twig and it is necessary to fine tune into everything that happens around you. I very often get sensory overload when in nature, as all my energy openings are trying to connect and communicate at the same time, but there are times when stillness is present and surrender to what is right allows for a single clear communication to come through. It can make the process more difficult, but I would discourage introducing any stress into this work and by simply being and trusting that something will become clear you can begin to practice this way of communicating. It is unique and it takes time to develop a relationship with nature and all its Elementals, just like with anything else. It is a life-long journey and relationship.

Shaman traditions, spirit communication and journeying, as well as, Constellation therapy in nature or within other settings (individual and group), in particular can play a beneficial part. Environmental Art therapy offers powerful assistance too with sorting through the layers of inter-generational imprints.

The image below represents well how we carry everyone else within us, as one comes out of another and how wounding and trauma can also be carried through from one to another until one becomes conscious and willing to break the cycle and fully commit to healing.


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