Breakdown

A wild something screams out of the flesh, released for all to see
The fear, horror, hopelessness 
With only one desire – not to exist

The uncontrollable despair comparable only to deep dark sorrow
Once you experience sorrow, someone said, the depth is done, for it is sorrow that defines the darkest of darkness
How does one continue after such exposure, sorrow repeated over and over?

But it continues… how, I don’t know
What saves one?
Logic, sense, love, meaning of some sort; all the things that can not be grasped at in moments of being stripped of all flesh 

But it subsides, comes back into itself beaten, broken and bare yet somewhat whole
Pierced with holes and stained with blood of a battle just passed
But living, catching breath, continuing 

I heard a whisper between sobs and spiky mess of the ravaged mind
‘Keep looking out’
For I was surrounded by mountains on one side and by a forest of the other
Keep looking, seeing, let it be in elemental presence
Oh how I tried to see with no vision and feel through the cracks of broken flesh. I tried yet failed

Another day came and the whisper persisted
‘Keep trying,’ it said and like a mother the vast landscape filled with light opened its arms 
To which it drew me in embrace 
And I was home again
The fog lifted off my senses as mist released the water off its hold
Revealing space, an openness, hope, a chance to take flight again, to take another breath 

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The land of me

The land that steals my soul over and over and feels like the gentlest fall into paradise

Its earthly being shapes my everything

Soft whisper of its spirit holds me whole till I melt into its form as perfect as the most sacred

It takes me places I can only dream of and even in dreams it is otherworldly leaving no words to describe its beauty

Beauty. What is it? In the land you know the true meaning of what true beauty is, living and breathing, pulsating through rocks and valleys like an eternal traveller never arriving

As your heart beats I exhale. As you blow wind over the mountains it catches in my hair

Intoxicatingly sweet with daggers all over my heart made of pure gold

With fingers in moss like your flesh soothing and cold

I miss you always. That distant echo in my heart that never stops calling in day and night

The line that never breaks, but trembles with tears, laughs and screams that only makes it stronger and that’s how I live it

Breath by breath, step by step, heart to heart hopelessly in sweet surrender

Photo: Land of the lost by Daniel Laan (found on Instagram). Thank you very much! 

Can Nature…?

Can nature heal

Can earth bring us back to our knees and pierce its ancient dagger through the heart

Can nature teach you who you are

Can a bird song inspire, delight and speak of both sorrow and joy

Can river wash away the debris of the worldly matter

Can mountain hold you in such a way you never wobble again

Can spring flowers inject a hope into our being

Can roaming animal body remind us of the raw wilderness within

Can the falling snow cover us in sheer enchantment

Can rain drops on the skin put us in touch with our bodies

Can a flight of an eagle inspire strength and power waiting to take flight inside of us

Can God bow before its majesty and weep tears of love

What is it that nature does and doesn’t that makes our lives worth living and speaks of meaning old as centuries

Of nature we are born and to its body we return

As outside so is within

What can be more life, meaning, strength and delight all at the same time

Nature is magic and matter, spirit and body

Bones and blood, skin and intelligence

All embracing…

One place we become whole, we come home, we know what we are