Signature for 2020

It has been a challenging year and at times provided no mercy or protection at all in terms of emotional, cognitive, phisycal or spiritual understanding or being with. Some structures fell apart right in front of us without giving any clues of how to get through the disappearance of some realities that had been constructed over many years. Emptiness, but in a very painful way rather than a soothing comfort, came into contact with the world we live in and again a sense of hopelessness was present during many months this year.

We are walking into 2020 with our shadow material right in front of us and it will not be a pleasant or joy filled experience. Shadow work is powerful but always hard. However resisting it is not the answer. To make it easier we must surrender. There’s no longer any hiding places. Things that we thought we had dealt with or forgotten many years ago will rear its head and slap us in the face. For some it has already started. It will feel distabilising in a way like never before. It will confuse everything we think we know. Mind will start desperately making sense of it all giving us the worst feeling and disconnecting from the body. Be mindful of not falling into traps of trying to rescue or soothe yourself in ways that are not beneficial like drugs and alcohol, e.g. Share with as many people as you can what you are going through. As this is collective you will find others inviting you in and sharing back. This is the area that will remain hopeful. Know to use it.

Self-care will be crucial if we are to stay somewhat grounded in order to deal with our ‘demons’. It will not be easy, but will be worth it as we will really have to put ourselves first and give all our parts compassion and space in which to cry, rage and transform. Patience will be needed and an ability to stay contained. Tough times. We will be faced with Shadow work like never before inviting us to accept it all completely. There will be no choice given following up on this year’s manifestations and some of us are not good with having no choice, myself included.

Spiritual will be harder to access or practice in a way that we are used to. This is due to a close connection of spiritual and earthly so both will come into question. Elements will quieten down and also will be harder to involve. A theme of silence and emptiness will continue. This will be more challenging than every before.

We will be asked to define meaning for all areas of our lives in fine detail. In that we are asked to be more focused, more productive and intentional in everything we do. The world requires order, which is not devoid of meaning. The one that will provide a solid foundation for years to come. We will also be asked to redefine security, safety for us personally and as an overall vibration.

Following on from this year things will be falling away and apart in preparation for a new foundation. Clearing space will manifest in work, personal life, beliefs and patterns. In itself this is a good thing although the way it will come about will be painful as many still struggle to let go. The focus will go further down into our past, places we never wanted to see again. The soil/foundation will need to be richer and cleaner than ever before, so a radical removal is required and furthermore, fertilisation in a way like never before, steady, patient and taking time. It will be slow. The process starting next year will go on for a while, I feel, and we will need to get used to it in a way of participating in it rather than resisting it as this is just the beginning of the next cycle.

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A tricky build-up to Litha 2019

Unconscious bit still hangs on somewhere deep in my psyche with regards to May and spring, which I believe relates to romantic relationships’ wounding of the past. What it seems to have done now is seeped through under the layers and tried to conceal itself as a trickster. I am only just beginning to unfold the meaning of this quite unpleasant and irritating energy. Some signs when you feel off somewhat is to consider unconscious material that might still remain unprocessed. It can be stubborn and sticky, it also can shift to present itself in a different way or to disguise itself as ‘resolved’ when, in fact, it simply changed shape, which can feel like a subtle friction with your awareness rather than a strong slap in the face.

Litha is approaching. It has always been my least favourite time due to my relationship with the Sun and the power of the masculine. This year it is very quiet, however, and I am not aware of much other than that something is waiting in the shadows, ready to pounce. It doesn’t feel safe. Never good having to be on guide. I am also aware of being lulled into a false sense of security during the last month and this. Tricky times, which I am not sure how will remedy itself, but it will, I am sure. Things never stay the same for long. Hoping for a change in energy post 22 June, as there is always quite a noticeable shift in the environment physical and spiritual and the countdown to darkness begins, which offers a degree of relief to my psyche although I am not desperate for it this year. Surprise. I noticed enjoyment of the season a lot more, perhaps, because it is quite fresh and temperatures are low, which I love. However, I also felt recently I was shifting into embracing something else more than I did before, but here it is again, a sense of being tricked into believing something that is not actually true. That is quite difficult to deal with.

Staying still and not reacting is one possible approach I can recommend and implementing myself right now. I do not recommend making any big changes or decisions during this time. Wait till after Summer Solstice. You never know you might see things naturally begin to manifest after the energy of the season is dispersed a bit more and a view clears. I also feel a release of energy is needed for Litha, an active release like having a big Fire, eating, drinking, dancing and laughing. All functions to do with the body and expressed through the body. This is the intention.

Enjoy this what feels like an obscure, mysterious and tricky time this year.

Many blessings!

Winter, anxiety, death…

It has all been rather grey and moody this month as if life stopped at this place of no particular interest, a downward mood yet not particularly depressive. Confusion, uncertainty and anxiety have been at the centre of the feeling of it all although with a clear awareness of everything actually being all right. There has been motion yet it felt dragging. There has been laughter and warmth with odd moments of grief flying in from nowhere. Most peculiar presentation of the season I’d say, however thinking about it there is nothing really surprising about it. Winter and grief go hand and hand and death and anxiety are good old friends.

I have experienced it all it seems in just one month and something in me can’t help but wonder what the next month could possibly bring.

My body has thrown up another mysterious ailment. Usually these happen in spring for me, but this time it came in winter and I believe it is linked to both grief and anxiety. Those two human issues have been present in my life always and I have come to take it for granted and somewhat my body, the wise old vessel that it is, decided to remind me or rather slap me in the face with asking me to revisit what both of those mean to me. Is it actually good for me to be exposed to it all the time or is it time to admit it is not always the best? I realised that I abandon myself over and over again when faced with grief and anxiety and not only that both signatures go right through my body and always manifest in curious things. I am completely disarmed by them, it seems.

This time I was faced with not being able to breathe. That tapped into my death anxiety and having to face that and look underneath of what that presentation meant, not to mention lung being directly linked to grief and death. How vulnerable I am to it all and how clever my body is to jolt me into considering the consequences.

I don’t want to die gasping to air and I don’t want to live my life waiting for the moment when I can’t take another breath and die. I can’t placate my anxiety or avoid it with doing the exact thing that takes my breath away in a sense of killing me. There is so much connection and meaning to it all. All quite sad, dark and paralysing.

What I am trying to say here and learn from is that our body is so wise and knowing if only we listened to it and for sure there will be consequences if we don’t. That much is clear. I know my body for being friendly and always on my side despite a life-long abuse thrown at it. How much it had to put up with yet never left me and when the ultimate function of air in my lungs became compromised suddenly death stepped in with a possibility of taking me. Truly awakening.

What a month it has been so far. Scary, up and down and everything in between yet nothing at all. In the stillness of winter, indeed, we are often faced with the darkest faces of existence. It is stark in my mind the true meaning of the season this year. There’s a certain old and murky wisdom taste to it this year. Perhaps this will only amplify with myself getting old, who knows, but one just never knows what awaits us.

Authenticity dream

Every year’s signature contains an authenticity message at the heart of it. I believe it is the future and has always been something true evolution is made of. The energy of it will only increase with each year and that is the beauty in welcoming a new year where such opportunity exists.

The dream is about authenticity, true beauty, light and dark.

“I was given some stunning liquid of silver and gold that was meant to be put on a face like make-up. It felt luxurious on the skin and looked beautiful. I put it on all over my face and walked into a room with a long table where there were people sitting either side.

One side of the table loved it and admired my beauty. The other side didn’t like it and preferred me without it.

There was a dilemma for myself. What did I like? What did I want to do? ‘The mask’ continued to feel wonderful on my face and looked truly stunning. It gave me a certain advantage and edge, one might say.

In the next scene I am heading towards showers to wash my hair and there is a man, who says ‘if I wash my face off I will no longer be the most beautiful woman in the whole world and will become the second in line after some other woman that will jump to the front. The man smirked and had an expression of warning about it as if to say ‘really think about what you want to do, think twice…’.

There was another man in the room, who had light hair and appeared very quiet, calm with a soft face, the opposite to the first man. Looking at him I knew instantly he didn’t care for my ‘mask’ much or the way I looked at all. He saw through me, deeper.

I decided to get rid of my face make-up and leave my hair unwashed and instantly felt lighter and more grounded.

I took a hand of the blonde man and we walked outside to the light. He appeared to have something lodged in the inner corner of his left eye. A thin stick, a string of some sort. I said to him that I will attempt to pull it out, but it might hurt. This felt like something to do with the way he was seeing things and, perhaps, the object lodged obscured his true vision. I starts pulling the string out, it was very long. The man didn’t flinch or changed in any way, he just smiled gently at me.

We embraced and fell on the ground when I realised I had a pure white coat on and was lying in mud. For a second I was concerned but quickly relaxed and no longer cared in his arms whether my coat would get ruined. His support and acceptance was all I needed.”

One of the best dreams I have ever had

Shadows at dawn

The pull of a new calendar year is strong, as if something in me can’t wait for a clean sheet of paper to start writing another story. It yarns for the taste of spring, for fresh changes. This is very much in the collective at this time of year and I do have some resistance to being caught up in the collective yearly pattern, as I know there isn’t a need to be in that place, yet here I am. Have you noticed how pictures of bluebells begin to pop up here and there around this time? People post them everywhere. It pulls us out of here and now in an instant and we begin to wonder.

Anger is often present for me during this month, which is one of those months I wait to be done with. The cycle of holidays every year and all that comes with it brings a lot of ‘don’t want to be part of it’ feelings. It is quite uncomfortable with a bitter taste that needs to digest and integrate before a new something is seen and experienced. I guess what I refer to is some shadow elements of the psyche is brewing on the surface of my unconscious and, yes, I do recognise it. It needs expression, but also containment. It is angry, expressive, violence-like, impulsive. It needs attention and love, but it doesn’t mean it is a nice picture to look at. It is often not and it can be loud especially in dreams when I know how to parcify it during waking hours.

Very similar in nature if you notice in certain places, like the one I just came from, e.g. everything was grey and not just in a way of rainy skies, but the whole atmosphere was covered with colour grey, dull and feeling like it’s not enjoying it. I describe this energetically, but visually it looks like a wet, old rag, for example, that can do with a bit of whiteness injected or a dirty water that’s stagnated. It needs renewing, refreshing.

If I was to describe it as a feeling in the body that would be stress, exhaustion, sleep deprivation, ‘bags under eyes’ type of presentation. It is a sort of wanting to rest yet being restless as monsters are moving within in the dark, under the ground.

I know the ‘beast’ very well although I haven’t seen it or heard for sometime. With me the triggers are stress and being stretched or asked to do things I don’t want to do. These have been running for years. During this time I also pick it up from others easily and that overwhelms me a great deal. December is like the remains of something, like the last residue of some unpleasant drink or wet ashes post fire.

This year has all been about doing things differently and the above patterns have also run their course. Enough is enough I’d say. There’s got to be another way of expressing shadow material so that it doesn’t just have its needs’s met and go back into a state of being parcified, but it has a chance to transform into or balance with the opposing force. Something is needed immediately as these things arise. More transforming and less keeping in awareness I’d say. I will give it a go next.

Happy 2019! Let it offer more explorations and awareness. Further success and achievements, more joy and satisfaction.