Breakdown

A wild something screams out of the flesh, released for all to see
The fear, horror, hopelessness 
With only one desire – not to exist

The uncontrollable despair comparable only to deep dark sorrow
Once you experience sorrow, someone said, the depth is done, for it is sorrow that defines the darkest of darkness
How does one continue after such exposure, sorrow repeated over and over?

But it continues… how, I don’t know
What saves one?
Logic, sense, love, meaning of some sort; all the things that can not be grasped at in moments of being stripped of all flesh 

But it subsides, comes back into itself beaten, broken and bare yet somewhat whole
Pierced with holes and stained with blood of a battle just passed
But living, catching breath, continuing 

I heard a whisper between sobs and spiky mess of the ravaged mind
‘Keep looking out’
For I was surrounded by mountains on one side and by a forest of the other
Keep looking, seeing, let it be in elemental presence
Oh how I tried to see with no vision and feel through the cracks of broken flesh. I tried yet failed

Another day came and the whisper persisted
‘Keep trying,’ it said and like a mother the vast landscape filled with light opened its arms 
To which it drew me in embrace 
And I was home again
The fog lifted off my senses as mist released the water off its hold
Revealing space, an openness, hope, a chance to take flight again, to take another breath 

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Beauty in a heartbreak

When a heart breaks magic happens. It reawakens qualities in us we forgot existed.

Ever since I was young I have been an advocate of feeling. Feeling deeply, openly, letting your pain spill out into the world like a cry from a place of the darkest shade. There’s beauty in suffering and sorrow and that is because something in us awakes when we are broken hearted, sometimes subtly, sometimes profoundly and we all know that nothing can be the same again and we are changed by it. It often goes unrecognised as we are programmed not to feel, shamed and punished for it from tender age and so it goes from one system into another. For as long as I remember I have been revolting against the oppression that is ‘no dark feelings are allowed’ and have been fighting against suffering in silence. It damages the soul to the extent of it being either abandoned or exiled.

Do you know what a gift it is to be able to feel to the deepest places which only soul can touch? Sorrow speaks of the depth of feeling one is capable of and most of the time it speaks of the power of love that is immeasurable and precious. Through the pain it shines like nothing else.

If only we let ourselves feel to the full open capacity, with honour and compassion not only healing occurs but a transformation that takes us to another level of being present in our authenticity. There is nothing more real than a broken hearted being. It’s raw, it’s tender, vulnerable and beautiful.

In my practice I work with feelings more than anything else. It is the work of carving the light out of a dark cave that is pain and trauma. It is hard, labour intensive, emotionally taxing yet when the break occurs and the heart turns to healing through allowing feelings to flow, results are stunning in its beauty. One touches the soul place once more and it speaks of all that’s been forgotten and suppressed. It offers gifts to us that we had always had within and now we can use them.

Feelings are wise. They live in our bodies and attempt to bring us back to who we are truly from the first moment before the world stamped its hard armour onto us. Through opening up to pain we recognise and accept and visit all the places within that had iron gates on them for what seems like eternity. It is that stepping off the predictable, lit and well-walked path into the dark woods where treasures lie and transformation back into the soul beckons.